I'll Pay You To Be a Parent

Every time you think you've seen it all, something new pops up to surprise you and show you just how far we've sunk.

Recently a member of our group (William Haeflinger)  ran across an interesting article that shows just how foreign real parenting has become: http://tinyurl.com/684tra3. Two of the members of our group were appalled and my reaction was that I wasn't surprised. I had a few days to think about it and I now am appalled as well.

In our society we have become completely selfish, what do you mean? The idea of taking care of someone else besides ourselves is an inconvenience and requires too much work. We have no problem when it comes to doing the deed but we aren't willing to deal with the consequences, even when they arrive nine months later. All we live for is the pleasure.

Now don't get us wrong, not everyone is like this, there are some out there that still believe in traditional parenting, we tip our hats off to you! These parents are becoming few and far between when we have programs that pretty much pay dads to do what they're morally obligated to do.

We all know the problem, we have all probably seen examples in our life, so what do we do?

• We need to lead by example with our parenting- when our friends and family and even random strangers see us they should see what real parenting is. They should see disciplined kids that talk to their parent or parents with respect. Have you ever seen a kid acting out in the grocery store and want to discipline them yourself? They should see the "basics" of parenting being lived out through us their friend or family. Are you a good an example of real parenting?
• We need to help those that need help, not pay them- when you can see a single parent or a couple that you know who needs help, help them. We're not saying you go and raise their kids, but be there to help in areas you have experience with. We all need a little help every now and then, that's what this blog is about. Have you helped or given any advice lately?
• Help us get the word out- the word needs to be spread that there still are parents out there that don't need to be paid to do their job. We have this blog and some other things that we do but we need you to help us spread this message. Get involved by telling us your thoughts, tell your friends there are things on this blog that can help them.

We are in a war to be the best parents we can be despite everything else that is going on around us in this messed up world. We have gotten to the point where people are paid to be parents, what's next? Scary question isn't it?

What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments:

Basic Requirements

If you have ever done any kind of a job you know it’s hard to get the job done without the right tools. 

I think we forget that the same principle applies to parenting; there are some basic things that will help us “complete our job” of parenting. Children are a little more complicated than a job so these tools might not be as obvious, so today we would like to share a few tools that will help you in your parenting.

     ·         You need a jobe

You might read this and think it’s pretty obvious and shouldn’t be on this list; we have to tell you (from personal experience) that there are quite a few parents who don’t think this is necessary. More and more we see people who are content to live off of their state or the government with all the programs that are offered. We have had people tell us that they make more money on unemployment versus getting a lower paying job. On the surface it might sound like this makes more sense, but you have to remember how your kids will see this and what kind of unspoken lessons they’ll learn from seeing you do this. Plus you don’t want to be dependent upon anyone else to take care of you; it’s your job, not the states job to take care of your family. Get a job, so you can provide for your family, even if you’re a single parent, you still need to work it out were your providing.

     ·         You need benefits

All four of us are self-employed, so we know about this better than most. For the longest time all four of us didn’t even have basic health insurance, pretty sad I know. If you’re in this boat we’re not taking a shot at you, we know that health insurance is expensive. Even with what’s happening in our economy the health insurance that you get from a company you work for can be pricey. Even if you have to pick the higher deductible plan, you have to have some kind of basic health insurance. You never know when something major is going to happen, so if you have the higher deductible insurance, at least you’ll have some kind of basic coverage. Don’t get caught in a situation where some sort of major illness cripples your family physically and financially. Besides health insurance, have some life insurance (we have written a whole post about this) and some sort of retirement for the future. This is all easier said than done, but we have to find a way to make it work, these things are too important.

     ·         You need a stable home

I hope it doesn’t seem like we are throwing some big things at you, 30 years ago this use to be a normal way of life. We understand that certain situations in life come up that you weren’t expecting or planning for, that’s a given. What we are talking about is the things that you can plan for or have a plan for if they come up. Let’s start with:

1.       Where do you live, would we survive an afternoon at your place?

If you live in a place that dangerous for your kids to even play outside, is it worth it because of how cheap it is?

2.       Is there fighting or a lot of negative talk between you and your partner or anyone else living there?

Your kids see all this; they take mental notes, even when you think they aren’t listening. They get tense and might start messing up in other areas of their life because they’re walking around with all this “weight” on their shoulders.

3.       Is your home a safe zone, a place where they know their safe?

Your home should be their refuge against the rest of the world; they should get home and instantly feel happy. They shouldn’t want to always sleep over at their friends’ homes to get away from their home.

·         You need help

Parenting is a big, complicated, life-long task; you need as much help as you can get to get through it. How many parenting books have you read this year? How many friends do you go talk to about parenting help? How many times do you call your parents for help with things that you’re struggling with? I can’t stress how much we need help, more than that we can’t be afraid to ask for help. There are just things that we don’t know or aren’t good at, for those things we can’t be afraid to reach out for the help we need.

We have just tried to give you a few basic things that will help you in this crazy journey of parenting. There are a lot more that we could list and we would love for you to email us and give us a few ideas of some basic things that you would want us to cover.  This is the first step, reaching out and connecting with like-minded people who are trying to do the same things as you. This is all part of what we’ve been talking about, leaving a legacy.

So if you have read this and agree with what we're talking about, now what? It's actually pretty simple:

1. Get a job if you don't have one- we know in this economy it's easier said then done, but if you truly want something you'll go after it and get it. Don't wait around for people to give you anything, if nothings there, then create something. Can you cut grass? This might help you: http://talesofwork.com/blog/2011/08/how-do-you-find-a-job-you-love-2/
2. If you don't have benefits, save up to buy some- again it may not be easy, but it's your responsibility.
3. If you live in a bad neighborhood, when your lease is up move. If you're having problems with your spouse, get counseling.
4. If you need help, email us, talk to a friend or counselor. Talk to a Pastor, just get some help!

You have to win these battles and have these tools for your kids, they depend on you for them!
Check out what a few of us have been up to:

Kimanzi: talesofwork.com
Chaka: https://www.cdbaby.com/cd/cdillonel
David: http://stores.ebay.com/NOT-4-All-30

So what are some basic things you want to share? You can share them in the comments:

Leaving a Legacy: A Part Of You

In our series about leaving something for your children, we started with the foundation of finances.

Now that we have covered a few basic things as far as finances go we would like to start moving on. Today we would like to talk about what your children will remember and how they will live their lives based off of what they learned from you.

We are talking about the example of your actions, not just your words.

We're sure that you've heard the saying that actions speak louder than words, well if you have kids then you know better than most how true this is. We tell our kids to do this and not to do that but if they see us doing that and this, maybe not now, but at some point they will be doing that and this (what a tongue twister!). We have to remember that whether or not we wanted to become parents that once we did, we have a sacred responsibility to do what's right for them by putting them first.

We've got to be honest, this is hard. Human nature tells us to live for ourselves and do what we want to do, not put others first. We have to fight human nature and tell it to shut up, our kids come first. So if you want to do that certain thing that you know will be a bad example for your kids, then you have to say no and be a good example for them. Your kids are part of your legacy, if you have a bunch of gremlins, then when you're gone that's what you'll have left.

Here are a few tips to help you leave a part of you:

• If you don't want your kids doing it, don't do it yourself

This is pretty obvious based off of what we talked about in the opening of this post, the thing you have to watch out for is that even when you think your kids aren't watching, they're seeing everything. Have you ever had it when you thought you said something in private only to find out that your kids already know about it? Happens all the time, you never know when they're watching.

• Always try to teach them the "why" of what you're doing

Our human nature is always focused on the what and how, if you teach them the "why" they understand and follow the lessons. If you say you don't smoke and don't want them to smoke, show them why smoking is bad. Pretty simple, right?

• Always think about the long term affects, not just the here and now

It's so easy just to look and think about what's right in front of us but we have to look at the bigger picture. Short term gains could lead to long term harm, it's not worth it.

Like we said, it's hard to not always do what you want to do but the end result will be worth it. What kind of life do you want to lead? A life of pleasure now and teaching your children about that kind of life? They need you to lead them, teach them right and wrong by the example of how you live your life.

Any tips you would like to share? You can share them with all of us in the comments:

Leaving a Legacy: You Need a Will!

Whether or not you think you have anything worth while, you 100% need a will!

When you die without a will the state dictates what happens with everything that's yours. Your family will be grieving for you, they don't need the added stress of having to fight the state over what happens to you and your things.

There are a lot of common misconceptions about what happens when you die like: if you die with a bunch of debt your family will be responsible for it: FALSE! It's a pretty simple formula, what you owe stands against what you own. Meaning if you have debt but own something, then that thing will be sold to meet that debt. However, if you don't own anything that's it, they can't try to collect from anyone in your family.

Now don't confuse what we're saying, just because legally they can't collect, doesn't mean they won't try! Some collector's will try but there's nothing they can do, it's the law. So think about your loved one's dealing with all this and then have the added complication of having to deal with the state because you have no will and your estate is all messed up!

Do your loved one's a favor and put things in order now, start with getting a simple will. We will give you a cheap specific way to get this done but we want you to know up front that we don't make a dime off of this endorsement. We simple are giving you this option as a help.

For a state specific will and even some other forms you might need, you can go to: http://www.uslegalforms.com/ and for about $30 get what you need (the basics).

This might not be something you want to think about as parents, but it's something that we must think about: death and what happens to our families. The best way for them to go through it is to make sure it's as easy as possible for them, that means have everything organized before you pass away. Make your intentions and wishes clear and have everything in order, also communicate these things with your family while your still alive.

This is one gift that they will be really grateful for when they are at a difficult time, so take care of it today!

What suggestions do you have for any parents out there as far as leaving a legacy? Let us know in the comments:

Leaving a Legacy: Part 1

Whether or not you want to think about it, we are all going to die (wow, that’s a morbid way to start a post!), it’s the truth.

For us as parents we have to think about what this will mean for our children. What will happen to your kids? Who will take care of them? How will that person be able to afford it financially? These questions and this topic is not something we can cover with this one blog post, so we would like the take the next several posts to dive into this subject. We would like to hopefully give you some helpful things to think about, but more importantly then that, to take some action. Look, if you take nothing else away from this whole blog, take this: words are cheap and won’t help anyone; we need you to take action!

So to start let’s go to the beginning: the foundation of leaving a legacy starts with finances.

We know there’s a lot more to it than that but none of it can get accomplished if there’s no money to do anything. In our society today we are taught the principle of live for now and not worry about the future, look our own government operates this way (how’s that working for them?). So the principle of saving for the future is a concept that is completely alien to most people, but as a parent it can’t be. Here’s the question: what do you want to leave your children, a mountain of debt or some money for them to get a jump start on their future? The answer has to be the latter because if you look at the way our government is going they won’t be able to depend on social security (what’s that?). So that means having a plan for your money now.

Now there are many ways to be smart with your money (budgeting, saving, investing) so we won’t get too specific. However we want to point out that without a plan all you’ll be doing is wondering around aimlessly.

• Start with the basics likes paying off your debt; don’t leave your kids a bunch of baggage.
• Next, start putting some money aside, either in a simple savings account or getting into something more complex like mutual funds or stocks. Like we said, we will leave that up to you to do the research and figure out what’s best for your family. The thing is we never know when we’re going to die so it’s important as parents for us to start implementing these things now!
• After you have the basic’s down it’s probably time to start thinking more long term. For our group we are all self-employed. Lately we have all been thinking about our legacy and each of us has decided that we want to leave our kids more than just money. We want to leave them business’s that have residual income. When we die we don’t want our significant others to have to worry about going out and finding a job and finding a reliable babysitter and all that. We want them to take over a business that is already set up and making money, then they can stay home and be with the kids through the difficult time of a loss. You can see exactly what two of us have started here:

 Chaka:  http://tinyurl.com/6hqczyb   Kimanzi: talesofwork.com

As we go through this series we will endeavor to give you some more specific things to look at and think about, this week we want you to sit down and look at your finances. Where can you make improvements to start putting money away? This might mean giving up on some of those things that you really enjoy like eating out or going to the movies. You might not be able to buy that newest I phone or new gadget. As a parent that’s what we signed up for, whether or not it was planned, your number one priority has to be your children and their future!

So looking at your situation right now, what will you leave your kids?

Real Parenting

There are some many different things for your kids to be involved with these days. There are after school programs, school, sports, Church youth groups, tutoring, mentors, Boys and Girl scouts, and the list could probably take the rest of this page. There is a great danger here that we want you to be aware of and that danger is putting your parenting on auto pilot!

These programs are meant to be a help to you, not to raise your kids! They will teach your kids different lessons and things that will help your children later in their lives, but you have to be the one to raise them. It's so easy to drop our children at these places and hope they teach them these things and you think you have the night, week, or month off because of what they learned. DON'T DO IT, IT'S WAY TO DANGEROUS!

You have to guide them with their morals, you have to take these lessons and "parent" them into your children. Your children were a gift and a responsibility for you, so take that responsibility serious and let them participate but make sure you are the parent, not anyone else!

So what has been your experience? You can leave a comment below:

Make sure you check out our new website: http://talesofwork.com/blog/

To Spank or not to Spank, that is the question?

We are in the middle of a series right now that is striving to give parents some practical everyday helps. Our last post we talked about the hot button topic of discipline. Here are the highlights:

       1.       Never discipline in anger.

2.       Have a cool off period (for your sanity)

3.       Always be consistent

4.       Show them unlimited love

If you follow the news, you may have heard about the out of control teens at our State Fair here in Wisconsin. This incident was a real life example of the need for strong parental discipline. Your kids will “follow” the crowd sometimes but if that discipline has been instilled in them, they would definitely not be involved in incidents like that, nor would they “hangout” with kids like them. Discipline is so important for the development of our children.

Today we would like to get specific, and judging by some of the hate mail that we have already gotten, I know some of you have been waiting for this. Today we would like to bring it together by leaving you with a couple of thoughts:

     1.  Both parents have to be involved with disciplining

 We don’t mean that both parents have to be physically there for the actual discipline (whatever method you choose), but both parents have to be a united front. Have you ever had it when you said no to something then your child went and asked the other parent? (Yes, you have, don’t lie) If your child does something that violates your rules, they have to know that they will be violated by BOTH parents! (That was a joke) There can’t be the “discipline” parent and the “non-discipline” parent that makes the other parent the bad guy (that’s not healthy for your kids to see). Sit down with your partner and agree on how you will handle discipline in your home and agree to always be consistent and support each other. If you’re a single parent, make sure your kids “know” what’s up.    

     2.       Methods of discipline     

So this is what some of you have been waiting for and the question that is on your mind: To spank or not to spank, that is the question (I should be a poet). First off, discipline is a decision that every parent must make on their own and for themselves. What we will tell you here is what we have seen from personal experience through disciplining a collective 9 children between us. We as a group believe in certain situations that you must spank your children (let the hate mail continue).

 You have many options when it comes to discipline and you choose the option that applies to whatever situation that you are in. You wouldn’t spank your kid for walking backwards would you? (Wow that was a completely random example) Take each situation on a case by case basis and here are a few ideas:

a.       Take away a valued item- do they have anything they can’t live without? Take away that I Pod or I Phone or whatever they love for a desired period of time. Just be careful, you don’t want them to poison your food (that was a joke)!

b.      There is the good old fashion grounding (remember that from when you younger?) No explanation here, just make sure to be consistent and to follow through. There’s nothing worse than empty threats.    

c.       Spanking. Many experts will tell you that “spanking teaches your children violence” or gives them low self-esteem or scares them, we don’t believe it. All four of us in the group have and do spank our children when it’s appropriate, and have found that it works for us. What works for you is a different story and we are not here to tell you what that is, we just know what we have done and it has worked for us.

 The key with spanking is to apply the principles from last week’s post (they are also listed above). If you approach spanking from a place of love and are in control of your emotions, then you’ll administer the appropriate amount of punishment. Again, sit down with your partner and see if this is right for your family. If you’re a single parent, than think long and hard, if you’re a Christian, then pray and ask the Lord to show you the answers.

 Besides the “methods” we hope you understand the importance of the message, you have to discipline your children consistently or else we’ll be seeing them on the news! If you want to send hate mail and want to find the email address, here it is: everydayparent@gmail.com we look forward to hearing your thoughts (if we don’t like them, we’ll track you down) that was a joke (maybe)!

 The things that happen to you at work also affect your home life which affects how you parent. Kimanzi talks about it specifically in his new book that is coming out: Tales of the Everyday Workingman and Woman. If you’ve enjoyed what we talk about in this blog, his new book will cover quite a few of these topics in more detail. Keep your ears open for his website in the next 2 weeks, the book will be out August 19, stayed tuned and be prepared to buy it!

The Right Kind of Discipline

We are in the middle of a series that is trying to give practical everyday helps to parents out there (wow, were great, right? That was a joke, laugh). Last post we laid the foundation by talking about getting organized, how’s that been working out for? (Were going to come and inspect your house, that’s another joke, laugh)

Today we would like to talk about disciplining your kids, a hot button topic. If you did a little research you’d find that the opinions on discipline and the effects of it are all over the map. Even as a group, we have a mix of different cultures and religions. However, we do agree on the proper approach to discipline.

We know the kind of hate mail we will get when we tell you our take on discipline, so we want to give you a disclaimer right away: What you do in your home is your business and your decision. If you think we are some wacko’s and you do things your way, then good for you. We won’t lose sleep over what you do, but since you’re reading OUR blog, you’re going to get OUR opinion! The bottom line is every parent has to do what’s right for their family, and this group or anyone else can’t tell you what that is. We would like to give you a few thought to think about and see if they can help your family.

    -Never discipline in anger!

This is one of the worst mistakes you can make when you’re disciplining your children. Part of the reason we have to discipline as parents is to impart punishment, notice we said PART of the reason. The main component of discipline is to teach our children a lesson that will hopefully keep them from continuing in the same behavior.

1.       When you discipline in anger, your children miss the lesson and only see your reaction to their behavior.

2.       When you discipline in anger, it’s hard for you to think clearly and focus on teaching the lesson.
3.       When you discipline in anger, without clear thought you run the risk of crossing over into child abuse.  

The point is to not discipline when you’re angry, it’s a formula for a major disaster! So what do you do then?

    -When a situation arises that requires discipline, have a cool off period.

Human nature will tell you to grab that kid and “show” him the error of his ways, avoid human nature! When the deed goes down, or when you find out about it, have some chill out time. What do we mean? Send the kid to his room and you go somewhere and cool off. Don’t just stand outside of their room, go for a walk, go sit out on the porch, go stick your head in your freezer (that was a joke). I don’t know what you need to do, just go somewhere and CALM DOWN! Like we said, this will keep you from crossing the line and doing something that you’ll regret, or will scar your kid for life!

    -When it comes to discipline, BE CONSISTENT!

I love my parents and I would be the first to tell you they did an amazing job (I'm a great person, no comment), but when it came to disciplining us, they were all over the place with their consistency. What do I mean? One day if we did a certain thing, we would get whooped (the old fashion way, Yeah!). However, if we did that same thing a week later, nothing would happen. Remember kids will try the same things again, they believe they'll get lucky this time (we can take care of their luck, right?) Your children should know where you stand on certain issues, and if they violate the rules, you’ll violate them. They should know this will happen every time, not just when you’re in a bad mood from work.

  -When you have to discipline, show them unlimited love!

Once you’ve had your cool off period, go to their room or the designated place and start the deed.

-          The Process: Start off by telling them you love them, this is an absolute must! They have to know that no matter what they do in life, you will always love them. Tell them that they broke the rules and that as in life when you break the rules, there are consequences. Do the deed (we’ll get specific with methods in a little bit, be patient, OK?). After you discipline them, grab them in your arms and just hold them. This is usually the time when they break down, so you just hold them and tell them that you love them. There is some powerful symbolism from this interaction. After they have calmed down and they have seen your love, let them know that if they break the rules again, you’ll have to repeat the process all over again every time!

They have to know that this isn’t an anger thing, this is a lesson for their future life experiences and the best way to deliver that lesson is through LOVE!

 Were sorry to disappoint some of you because we know what you’ve been waiting for: methods of discipline. If you want to see our take on it, you’re going to have to wait until next week’s post. On our next post we’ll taking about how to discipline as well as a few closing thoughts, make sure you come back!

The things that happen to you at work also affect your home life which affects how you parent. I talk about it specifically in my new book that is coming out: Tales of the Everyday Workingman and Woman.

If you’ve enjoyed what we talk about in this blog, my new book will cover quite a few of these topics in more detail. Keep your ears open for my website in the next 2 weeks, the book will be out mid-August, stayed tuned and be prepared to buy it!

Practical Every Day Helps: Getting Organized

We would like to dedicate the next several post to give parents out there some very practical every day helps, some things that you can really use in your parenting and life. As a parent I’m sure you would agree with the statement that any practical advice goes a long way, we’ll gladly accept any good ideas. For today’s post we would like to start at the beginning: Getting Organized

How does your home look?

Have you ever walked into your home after a hard day’s work and feel like you’re walking into a landfill? Maybe it may not be that extreme but right now think, how clean is your home? Getting organized starts with a clean home, you need somewhere to sit down and plan things out. It’s very hard and also distracting when you’re sitting there looking at yesterday’s dinner. If you’re too tired because of work, have the kids clean. What do they have to do, right? Be very specific with them and put them to work, be specific because you know they’ll side step tasks if they feel there’s some wiggly room. Now, think how nice it will be tomorrow to come home to a clean house, you’re already smiling aren’t you?

                        

Do you have a plan for your week?

When’s your son’s soccer game this week? What time does your daughter have her tennis lessons tomorrow? When are your husband and you going to that work function? Do you plan out your week or is it anything goes. Getting organized involves a purposeful plan. There are many tools that can help you with planning: Franklin, Daytimer, Phone Apps, and a regular old calendar and a pencil. Use one of these tools to lay everything out on paper and have a definite plan for your week. Look, were not sitting here telling you that you have to have everything single detail of your life planned, all were saying is that your life shouldn’t be organized chaos. If you don’t have a solid plan it with tickle down to your children, and as we always talk about, your children will learn from your example. If you need some help with organization and want some generic forms, get some at printfree.com.

How do your finances look?

We could write a whole book about finances, right? If we are disorganized here, it has the potential to really screw up our lives. Right, off the bat, we want to say that life is a little bit easier when you don’t have a lot of debt. As a group we all have committed to become debt free. There’s more freedom and a lot less stress when you have less debt. For the purposes of getting organized, do you have any clue of what’s going on with your finances? Do you have enough money but miss paying your bills on time because you don’t know what’s going on with your money? Is your check book balanced or do you have no clue of what’s what? We’re going to assume that anyone reading this has their stuff together, so it’s more about having a plan for where you want to ultimately end up with your money. We want to submit one idea that should help you get your finances organized: do a written budget every month. Just like uses resources to plan your week out, use a budget to plan your month out with your money. Most of us probably hate to sit there and write a budget out but from personal experience, when you do your going to feel like you’ve just gotten a raise. You never realize how much those little expenditures add up unless you see them on paper. Do you know where your money is going every month, just take one of your old bank statements out and you might be shocked! Go to smartaboutmoney.org to get free blank forms to start writing everything out each month.

Just a beginning       

Having everything laid out and planned out is just the start; it will help everything else run smooth. Get organized today, this will help you take control of your life a little better. It will be an example to our children for when they get older. You have enough stress and chaos in your life; don’t complicate things by not being organized!

Watch Out For Strangers!

There was an incident in our local news recently about an older guy trying to lure young kids with his dog. For what purpose, who knows or wants to know! With all the technology we have and with all the advancements in our society, this incident should remind us of a very basic principle: Know exactly where your kids are at all times!

William, one of the members of this parent blog, experienced this very situation yesterday. He went to a baseball game with his son, daughter, and some of their friends. While his son was playing, the girls went to play on a playground that was a little distance off. A little later the girls returned with a sheet of paper. Apparently some guy was going around to all the kids on the playground and said he was filming a movie, he said he liked the girls personality, HOW GROSS! Needless to say, William was a little (ALOT!) freaked out!

It can happen anywhere and at anytime. It doesn't matter what neighborhood you live in, there are creeps everywhere. The point is to always know what's up with your kids.

If they tell you they're going to a friends house, confirm it with that parent. If they want to play anywhere, make sure they're being monitored by you or someone you trust. Keep tabs on who they're taking to on the phone and who they're talking to on the Internet (if you let your kids on the Internet without the proper filters or safe guards, then you're crazy!), they could be talking to some creep and not even know it.

Let's all make a conscious effort this week to keep a closer eye on our children! If you don't, it's possible we could be hearing about them on the news! NO ONE WANTS THAT!

Does she dress like she's 13 or 30?

Modesty is something that is severely lost in our society today. As men it's hard for us to even go to the mall with out having to avert our eyes from seeing something that's completely inappropriate. Nowadays kids want to dress a lot older then they are, and their parents brush it off as a phase or something that's not a big deal. Guess what: IT IS A BIG DEAL! With the way our young girls dress nowadays it's no wonder why we have so many problems with our young boys. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON YOUR KIDS!

Here is some brand new information (it's really not): The way your kids dress is going to determine how they are treated. If your daughter is dressed way too mature, how do you think the boys will treat her? They are going to drop all kinds of shady lines based off of what they see her wearing (and they don't want to hang out with her at the library). Also, she will get approached by older guys, some guys legitimately might not realize her age, some creeps just wont care. Follow this logic: If she's dressed like a librarian would these same bums try to talk to her? The answer is no, they'll turn their attention to that girl that's dressed like she's 30.


We talked about the girls, how about your young boys? Are the cops going to arrest your son because he looks like one of the guys that just robbed the bank? Does he dress like he's in a fake rock band? Let's get serious, Is the way your young boy dressing keeping him from advancing in life? Is he at a job with no possibility of a promotion because of how he looks? Is he not getting any jobs because of how he looks? Does he get lumped in with the wrong crowd because of how he looks? We tend to focus on our young girls, but don't forget about making sure your boys look presentable.


Look we have given you some general things to think about, we'll be coming back with part two and getting specific. Let us just leave you with a question: Do your children dress modestly?

Parental Responsibility

A situation happened in our home town of Milwaukee just recently, you probably have seen it on the news and know exactly what were talking about. A bunch of out of control youths tore apart a gas station and hurt some innocent people. Here's the link: http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&sqi=2&ved=0CBUQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.todaystmj4.com%2Fnews%2Flocal%2F124986519.html%3Fsort%3Dmost%2Bthumbs%2Bup%26action%3Dquotecomment%26cid%3D70308227%26page%3D9&ei=h24XTva9DaTu0gG9n4nDBQ&usg=AFQjCNHjiJHyQP2YZiYH_M5oUR8-bc2D0A&sig2=vmvRvJzUF2LjHBotKFZXZg

A surprising thing happened with this situation, one of the mothers of the group turned in her 2 children, imagine that! She explained to her kids that she loved them, and why she had to turn them in, could you do the same thing? As a group we have talked it over with mixed reactions, the truth is that it would be really difficult.

After talking about this incident, we learned a little lesson about parental responsibility, as a parent it's your job to raise your children the best way you know possible (which sometimes means some very tough choices). If your kids aren't behaving, it might mean you have to give them a little tough love.
Here's our question to you:What would you do in the same situation? 

Summertime- 3 Months of Growth or 1 Year of Failure

We want to start off by asking you a simple question: What are your kids doing this summer? We have all talked about our summer's growing up, and the prevalent thought was how we would spend most of that time when we were younger outside. What happened to kids going outside anymore? Nowadays kids spend most of their time indoors, with the explosion of technology it's rare for kids (especially older kids) to run and sweat it out outside playing. There are a few points we want to hit on that hopefully will help you and your children to have the best summer possible:

  1. Do everything in your power to make sure this is a time of growth for your children!
Your kids have off for the summer, that means at least 14 hour's of possible free time: What will they do with it? Get your kids involved in activities. Remember little league? What about soccer or swimming? There's so much to do, and these activities will burn some of that energy (way too much energy!) they have as well as keep them lean and fit. Think about what the alternative will do: playing video games and watching TV all day. These two things will bring that potbelly on pretty fast, as well as warp their mind and make them lazy. Get them involved in sports or a rec league or just let them go outside and go nuts. The weather is too beautiful right now for anyone to spend an extended amount of time indoors.  


  2. Watch what they do like a hawk!
Are your kids doing what they told you they are going to do? Who are they hanging out with? Is there any inappropriate boy/girl interactions going on? As their parent, you have to know what they are up to, do you remember what it's like to be their age? There are too many pitfalls that your children can fall through, especially the older kids. You have to know what they are doing, who they are doing it with, and where they are going to be at all times. It only takes one bad summer to ruin the rest of your child's life. Is that what you want for them? 

The reason we titled this post "Summertime- 3 Months of Growth or 1 Year of Failure" is because if they have a bad summer, it will follow them the rest of that year. If your kids are involved in activities, reading, writing, those things will sharpen their mind and tone them up physically. This can only help them at school. If they spend their whole summer with video games and TV, hanging out at the mall with deadbeats, this will hold them back once school starts again. Their minds won't be sharp or focused, they'll spend the whole first half of the school year trying to adjust. That can only lead to a downward spiral for the rest of the year. I guess if they get held back, that will give them a whole other year to focus on those video games!


Set your kids up for the best year they have ever had by keeping them active this summer. What other idea's do you have for a productive summer? You can leave your comments below:

A Little Extra Time

Since this is the 4th of July, we'll keep this brief. First, thank you to all the soldier's out there serving America, we really appreciate you! Next, use this extra day off to do something with your kids. Don't just use this time to catch up on sleep.

Go out to a park, go out to a cookout with some family, just get out! Work and the hustle of life will come back tomorrow, so enough today with your kids. An extra time you give them will go a long way!

The Beauty Of The Right Choice

As a parent there are so many choices we have to make each day, each week, and each year of your children's life. Here's some information that you probably already know:  sometimes as a parent, you're going to make the wrong choices (ground breaking, right?)!

The point we want to get across with this post is this: every choice has the potential to change your child's life, so take each one very seriously, give them the proper time and consideration. So many choices come up in any given day, with the hustle and business of our lives, we don't take the time to think through a lot of our choices and how they will affect our kids. Can you think of some rash choices you've even made today?

For us parents it can be as simple as what TV shows you let your kids watch, or if they're getting on your nerves, you telling them to go watch TV and not knowing what they put on. As long as they're out of your face, right? How about choosing what friends they hang out with, do you even know who their friends are? If you make the choice to not really know, those friends could teach your kids things that you don't endorse or believe in. Can you name every one of their friends? You should be able to!

What about the choice of what music you let them listen to? With as bad as the music is nowadays, you can't even turn on the radio without vomiting. If you choose to let them listen to whatever they want, then you'll reap the benefits of angry and depressed kids. What kind of video games do you choose to let your children play? If you let them play what they want, then by the time they're 14, they'll know how to kill someone 10 different ways. Do you think were exaggerating? When was the last time you looked at the typical video game?

Look even to the things we mentioned, there are good choices to be made: There are good shows your kids can watch, there are good friends for them to hang out with. There is good music for them to listen to, and yes there are good video games for them to play. Do you see the point were trying to make? It's all about the choices you make, don't make them half-heartily!

These are some pretty big choices but remember the small one's can scar your kids the most. Is your child trying to show you the picture they made for you, but you have to catch up on your emails? Do they want you to read them a bed time story but you can't miss your favorite show? Every choice counts, so take them very seriously. If you don't, you make the choice to deal with the consequences!

Are you making smart choices? Let us know by commenting!

"If you like me you'll......"

Today we would like to continue our discussion about purity focusing on our daughters. The last post we focused on our sons and talked about mental purity, today with the girls we would like to talk about emotional purity. Here is our primary point to this post:
 - If your daughters don't get the affection they need from their parents, they're going to look for it somewhere else!
This is particularly true for us fathers, there are numerous studies out there that show when our daughters look for a partner they look for a man that's like their father. On a side note, this is the reason why we have to set a excellent example for our daughter's of what a husband and father should be. Don't be afraid to go over board with your affection, give her so many hugs and kisses that she has to say, in that cute little voice; "Dad, stop" (and when she says that, she really doesn't mean it). Not only should she get that affection from you but she should see example's of the right kind of affection by you with your spouse. She should see how a woman should be treated by how you treat her mother, you want her to see that a woman should be treated with respect and dignity and receive proper love and affection. The best way to educate any child is by real life example's. TV, movies and the rest of society will show your daughters the wrong kind of affection, it's up to you to show her that they're a bunch of liars who don't know or understand true love!!
 - The second point we would like to make is this: what she learns while she is young will be her defense against attacks against her emotional purity when she is older. 
If she learns the right kind of affection and the right kind of love when she is young, she'll be able to shoot down all those clowns that will try and trick her. Teenage boys emotions run wild, we saw this in the last post, so when one might be with your daughter, they'll try everything under the sun to get some emotional and also physical affection. If she had no training when she was younger, she'll just think: "this is normal, so I'll just roll with it". In these kind of situations our daughters end up scaring themselves, putting them on a downward path that leads to misery and sadness. All those examples they saw when they were younger will give them the power and strength to say NO, and push that creepy little boy away. 
 - Teach her that she never has to do anything she doesn't want to do, and that she should never do anything outside of her comfort level.
The best way for her to avoid being put into any situation where she'll have to be tested is to not ever, let us repeat, not ever be alone with boys. There is no reason your young girl should be with a young boy, the emotions and urges are just too strong. At the risk of being an "uncool" parent, always say no to these situations. There are too many pitfalls in this world, let's not set our daughters up to fall through any of these by allowing them to go into compromising situations.
A wise man once said: "a good offense starts with a good defense", let's start playing defense as soon as their born! Let's teach them the keys to being emotional pure, that way we won't have the tragedy of our 16 year old daughter coming to us to tell us she's pregnant! Here's the questions: Are you teaching your children emotional purity? Are they seeing it in your life? If the answer is no, it's never too late to start!!

  

What are they thinking about?

This is part two in our series on purity, and today we would like to talk about mental purity. When it comes to mental purity, it all starts with the eyes. What your children see is a huge factor in what they think about. We always come back to TV and movies, but if they see images there that are provocative or suggestive or sexual, that's what they'll be thinking about. Even the "PG 13" movies have scenes that could corrupt your child's mind, this especially applies to young boys. They already have so many emotions and urges roaming around in there (we know this from personal experience), and when they see certain images, that can send their mind in a tailspin. We read an article that says young boys (depending how mature they are) think about girls every 7 seconds, WOW! If their already thinking about girls that much, what would seeing a provocative image do to their mind? Not only TV and movies but you have to, let us repeat this, YOU HAVE TO MONITOR THEIR INTERNET USE! We don't have to tell you how much garbage is on the Internet, they can type in one wrong word and get more then they bargained for. Do not let your child, especially your young boys, on the Internet without the proper filters or parental controls on your computer! No matter how much you trust your children the temptation is just to overwhelming. Be a parent, it might mean a little more work on your part by monitoring what your children are looking at, or by being "strict", but that's your job! Whether you intended to have children or not, it's your job and your responsibility, not anyone else's! A couple parting thoughts are this:

  Who your child hangs out with, will influence what they look at, putting those garbage images in their mind. If they hang out with that kid who's parents don't monitor what they do, that kid will show your kid things he or she shouldn't be seeing and those things will destroy their mind. They may not see it from you, but they might see it from them.
The second and finally thought is this: Do they look and think about bad things because they see or have seen you do it? Do they know that those are dad's "movies" or that dad likes to look at "that" website? Let us say strongly that no matter how well you think you have hidden things, your kids will find them! Moreover, are you going to be a hypocrite and tell your kids not to look or think about things that you look and think about? Don't be a fool, your kids emulate you and if your doing it, it will only be a matter of time before they do it! Here's the question: What are your kids seeing? Are they seeing it from you or some bad influence in their life? If yes to any of these questions, what are you going to do about it? It's time to act, it's not to late to be the parent your kids need you to be!

Purity- preserving your child's innocence!

We would like to dedicated the next several posts to talk about the subject of purity as it relates to our children. Having said that, the first point we must make is this: in everything that you try to teach your children, you have to lead by example! It should be real obvious that if your telling your child to stay pure but they see you not living up to that standard, what do you think their going to believe? In the end no matter what we say our actions speak volumes above our words! You might think this is to great of a sacrifice, "how can I live without my girlfriend?", "how can I go without watching that movie?", "I just want to get one drink at my favorite bar", these are questions that might be rolling around in your mind, let me ask you a question: is there any sacrifice that's not worth it for your children? Your kids see all these things and make mental notes! We are going to tackle many different aspects of purity, but today we want to focus on the physical aspect of purity. First, and foremost, you have to teach your children about abstinence. Many people nowadays believe that your children can't stay pure until marriage, but that's a false assumption. You have to do everything you can to keep them away from things that will influence them towards impurity. What kind of shows do they watch on TV? The shows nowadays make it seem like physical impurity is a part of everyday life and it's really not. If your read this and think were just full of it, have you given up? If you have older children, did you stop being a parent once your kids turned 18? Keep your children away from those misleading, deceptive shows, but also from misleading, deceptive friends! Do they hang out with that one kid that knows a little to much for their age? What do you think their going to talk to your kid about? Just because their parent has given up or has lost control, doesn't mean you have to, stand up for what's right! If you will allow your kids or will allow to date, don't let them be put into situations where temptation might overwhelm them! You might have to do things a little unconventional and have "dates" at your house in the backyard (lol), you might have to send a younger brother or sister on their "date". It's funny in talking and writing about this how some of these things seem like their from outer space but as near as 30 years ago, this was the norm. How far has our society fallen to the waste side! Teach your children about that boy or girl that will try and push them to do something that they don't want to do. Teach them in that situation no matter what to always say NO! Teach them to run from that person and take them out of their life! Two thoughts we want to leave with you.
1. Tell (and mean it) your children that not matter what, they can talk to you about anything. Tell them that even it's something you won't like, you want them to be able to talk to you. You have to be their "safe zone", and when they talk to you, don't explode, just listen, love (by hugging and kissing, and listening), and if you have to discipline, do it the next day when you can explain to them that you appreciated them talking to you but there are consequences for their actions (and once you've cooled off).
2. Teach them the "why" of what your telling them. When they were babies and you told then not to touch the stove, they did it anyway. If we would tell them not to touch the stove because if they do, they'll have to get their hand amputated, do you still think they would touch the stove? Now in telling them the "why" of what your teaching them, you have to make it age appropriate. You have to cater to the audience, there are things that certain ages aren't ready to learn yet. A wise man once said "when your children start asking you about something is when their ready to learn about it", so true!

We must educate, do everything we can to keep them safe, by preserving their innocence and in the process their purity. Teach them the "why" and you'll get the response that will make them smile from ear to ear when their standing at the altar looking into the eyes of the one they've been waiting for all their lives! THAT'S NOT A ROMANCE NOVEL, IT'S THE REALITY OF THOSE THAT STAY PURE!!!!

Absentee Father



Will and Chaka

This is part four and the last post on our series about absentee parents. I don't know about you, but I've definitely grown and learned quite a few lessons so far. The key being to always be there for your kids NO MATTER WHAT! This last post is brought to you by Chaka, he is a married (7 years of marriage) father of a 9 year old girl, a 4 year old girl, and a 3 year old boy. This is his message: "When I was a kid growing up I never had my father in my life and to this day I have never seen and do not know nothing about him as an individual, role model, confidant or someone to emulate. So you can guess how my childhood went. My mother raised me and my two brothers and sister by herself and welfare checks and food stamps were how we made it through. I am now a 38yr. old father of three children from one woman that I married 7 years ago and I had no clue on how to be a father so man I stressed out and struggled when we had our first child  . Diaper changing was easy, it was the emotional stages of our daughter that threw me off and then came #2 she commanded our attention and I did not divide myself the right way and then 18 months later my little soldier came out and so I focused on him to make him right and in turn neglected our oldest because she was rebelling by having problems in school. Parenting is not easy just imagine trying it with no pre-guidance or instruction from my father then go try to become one!!  What I am saying is this, how can I be any type of father to my children when I have never had one and have so much bitter animosity towards a man I do not know and then turn around and be a good father to my own three by going " on the fly" Other than by the grace of GOD I would not of made it." Brought to you by Chaka

"You never know what you got, until it's gone"

This is part three on our series about absentee parents, and it's my (Kimanzi) turn and I have to confess, I'm a little nervous. My situation is a little different then the first 2 gentleman in our group. I'm a married (12 years of marriage) father of a 11 year old boy, a 9 year old boy and a 8 year old girl. I know about the subject of absentee parents because for a while, I was one of them! We got married young (the day after I turned 18) and had our first child after being married for 1 year, with the second child not to far apart. The first part of marriage was great, everything was the way it was suppose to be, to be fair I should say, I behaved the way I was suppose to, until I turned 21. At that point, in my mind, I felt like I was missing out on life by not doing what other young people my age were doing. So 3 years and 2 kids into marriage I tried to become a single college kid, and I say that meaning all I did was party and drink. I would go out for long periods of non stop partying, not coming home until sometimes 5 am. This obviously affected my marriage and for this time period, I was an absentee parent. I wasn't there for my boys the way a parent should be, to be honest I wasn't even physically there at all. My wife had to learn how to be a single parent, WHAT A SHAME ON MY PART!! It took everything coming crashing down on my head one day to wake me up to the fact that I was loosing my marriage and that I was a absentee parent. I want to take a minute to say how sorry I am to my wife for having to put up with my behavior, I'M SO SORRY HONEY! Next I want to appeal to any parent that might be sliding in this direction, the one point I want to stress about absentee parents is that YOU CAN'T GET THAT TIME BACK. That soccer game I missed, I can't get it back. That school concert where my child had a solo, I lost that moment forever! You can make up for anything else in life, but time is the one thing you can't make up for. If your a Christian, you know the Bible says that our lives are like a vapor, that's how fast it goes. Just the other day we went to a restaurant as a family and the hostess couldn't believe my oldest was actually 11, he looks like he's 14, I just can't believe how fast they grow up. So this post is really for that parent who's thinking the grass is greener on the other side, let me tell you I've been there and that grass you're looking at has dog poop on it! If you're already a absentee parent, look yourself in the mirror and be honest, then do everything in your power to win your family back!

Present but still absent

This is part two of our discussion on absentee parents, we have dedicated several post because it's an issue were seeing to much of in our society. It's also an issue that has affected all of us in the group personally. Today's post is brought to you by David, he is a single father of a 5 year old daughter and this is his message: "The issue of absentee parents really hits home to me too. In fact, I used to be an absentee parent myself. I was 23 when I had my daughter. I wanted a child, but I was not ready for one this soon. My mom is old fashioned so of course she said I needed to marry my girlfriend at the time. Honestly, I strongly considered it but it just never felt right. We stayed together for about 2 years after my daughter was born. We had problems and instead of being a man about the situation, I started cheating and eventually left. I have always been around my daughter and I have always tried to spend time with her. I wasn't spending as much time as I could have been. 3 years ago, Will and I were joking with each other. I don't remember what I said but I know it affected Will's feelings so Will attacked my feelings. He said something about me not spending time with my daughter. Now I could have gotten upset but I love my baby girl with all my heart so that was just the kick I needed. I realized these are the most precious moments of her life. In fact, I read some research that says by the age of 6 a child will develop the character that he/she will have for the rest of their life. If I wanted to have any kind of influence in her life, I needed to really change. I started by spending as much time as I could with her and teaching her discipline and manners. I also changed my lifestyle. I don't swear, drink, or yell at my daughter(I'm human so I do slip up on this part.) My daughter is 5 years old, very intelligent, and strong willed! One thing that I thank God for is how much she looks up to me. I constantly do my best to teach her the right way so she doesn't make the same mistakes I made. This would all be just great if I was the only one involved in her life. Her mother and I have arguments on what's acceptable and whats not. She thinks it's OK to swear in front of and even at her! I know a lot of people think that this doesn't affect kids but I have real live evidence that it does. My daughter knows not to swear in front of me but I will hear her say "what the..." She does not finish the statement but that just shows that it is in the back of her mind! Another big issue to me is the matter of clothing. Her mother buys my daughter name brand clothes and gets upset when they get messed up. SHE'S A CHILD! Kids do not know about name brands nor do they care. Why waste money just to impress other people? Let's be real, when a parent buys their kids name brand clothing they are doing it for themselves. Most want to hear "awe look at her in that outfit." There are others who want their kids to have the finest but don't get upset if it gets messed up. If you really want your child to have the finest, SAVE money for their future. The last thing I will talk about is the matter of discipline. I do my best to keep my daughter from anything that may influence her in the wrong kind of way. My methods may seem extreme at times but do you see our culture? Her mother on the other hand believes that you have to let a child experience things in life whether good or bad. Really? I should just let my daughter walk in the middle of a busy street so she can experience why I won't let her cross the street by herself? When raising a child you have to be proactive, because if you don't influence them, someone else will. If you get nothing else from this post, just remember, it is possible to be an absentee parent and still be present. Just because you buy things or you "go easy" on your child does not make you any better than a fully absentee parent!"

Absentee parents, what are they thinking?

As a group we always discuss issues that come up with our parenting, we talk out specifics, then we share them with you all. While discussing an issue for this post, something happen to one of the member's of our group. From that incident promoted a discussion that goes beyond one blog post, so we will devote the next few post to talk about absentee parents. Seeing how we have this group we thought we could give you several different perspective's of this issue. So to start us off is the member that this personally affected: William. As you might remember he is a 32 year old divorced father of 2 children, and this is his message on the subject: "I have been divorced for 3+ years now and have had my kids that whole time, so the subject of absentee parents hits home for me.  Men usually get the dead beat rap, but it seems that more and more mothers are taking on this roll.  It is very hard, especially on the kids , to deal with having a parent that never comes around, or doesn't act the least bit interested in what their children are involved in.  I need look no further than my own situation to see this.  I've seen a parent that is so consumed with self, that she has even forgotten that she has responsibilities to her children.  This kind of behavior is very hard on the children for many reasons.  Our children start to wonder if there's something wrong with them, or what they did to alienate themselves from the distant party.  It's our job as the responsible party to put our kids first and try to get these dead beats to come around and realize that their roll is vital to the growth of these children.  The pain that they cause these kids is detrimental and can scar for life.  Kids didn't ask to be here, we as the adults made that decision for them.  If you didn't want the responsibility, you shouldn't have done the deed in the first place.  All that our children really want from us, after all, is our time and affection.  These absent parents either don't understand that, or they just don't care.  I've also learned going through this struggle that, as the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  So if you've tried many times to tell a dead beat what they need to hear, and they don't listen, it's on you to make sure your kids have as many positive roll models around them as possible.  The company you keep will help mold your children more than you might know.  Keep your heads up single parents.  I feel your struggle!"

Cartoons, there not what they use to be!

If your a little older, do you remember some of the cartoons we grew up watching? Looking back on it now, there was a a lot of violence in those cartoons. Do you remember how often some character on a cartoon you were watching would get killed, get some part of it's body cut off? Well, the cartoons now a day, put the cartoons we watched to shame. They might not be more violent, but they definitely have a lot more suggestive meanings. I gave a statistic on my other blog (everdayworkingman and woman) that the average American watches 34.5 hours of TV a week. Our question to you is, how many hours would that number increase for our kids? We as a group have talked about how our kids are off of school for the summer, and we'll get home from a hard days work. As soon as we get in the house our kids demand our attention (which they should) and as tired as we are, we find it easier to tell them to go and watch TV. Are you guilty of this? We as a group have made a conscience effort in this last little bit of time to sit down and watch some of these cartoons with our kids, the result's shocked us. The boy/girl implications in these cartoons are to strong for our kids, and yours to! Some would argue that they see this in every day life anyways, our response: Even if they see it everywhere else, your home needs to be their refuge! It needs to be the one safe place in their life that they can go to for purity, for freedom from the rest of the world. Your kids will see and hear things in life that they shouldn't have to, but don't make yourself part of the problem by letting them watch things that try to influence them in the wrong way. It's our job as parents to try and be the solution to everything life trows at them! THIS POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY KIMANZI, WILLIAM, CHAKA, DAVID