"If you like me you'll......"

Today we would like to continue our discussion about purity focusing on our daughters. The last post we focused on our sons and talked about mental purity, today with the girls we would like to talk about emotional purity. Here is our primary point to this post:
 - If your daughters don't get the affection they need from their parents, they're going to look for it somewhere else!
This is particularly true for us fathers, there are numerous studies out there that show when our daughters look for a partner they look for a man that's like their father. On a side note, this is the reason why we have to set a excellent example for our daughter's of what a husband and father should be. Don't be afraid to go over board with your affection, give her so many hugs and kisses that she has to say, in that cute little voice; "Dad, stop" (and when she says that, she really doesn't mean it). Not only should she get that affection from you but she should see example's of the right kind of affection by you with your spouse. She should see how a woman should be treated by how you treat her mother, you want her to see that a woman should be treated with respect and dignity and receive proper love and affection. The best way to educate any child is by real life example's. TV, movies and the rest of society will show your daughters the wrong kind of affection, it's up to you to show her that they're a bunch of liars who don't know or understand true love!!
 - The second point we would like to make is this: what she learns while she is young will be her defense against attacks against her emotional purity when she is older. 
If she learns the right kind of affection and the right kind of love when she is young, she'll be able to shoot down all those clowns that will try and trick her. Teenage boys emotions run wild, we saw this in the last post, so when one might be with your daughter, they'll try everything under the sun to get some emotional and also physical affection. If she had no training when she was younger, she'll just think: "this is normal, so I'll just roll with it". In these kind of situations our daughters end up scaring themselves, putting them on a downward path that leads to misery and sadness. All those examples they saw when they were younger will give them the power and strength to say NO, and push that creepy little boy away. 
 - Teach her that she never has to do anything she doesn't want to do, and that she should never do anything outside of her comfort level.
The best way for her to avoid being put into any situation where she'll have to be tested is to not ever, let us repeat, not ever be alone with boys. There is no reason your young girl should be with a young boy, the emotions and urges are just too strong. At the risk of being an "uncool" parent, always say no to these situations. There are too many pitfalls in this world, let's not set our daughters up to fall through any of these by allowing them to go into compromising situations.
A wise man once said: "a good offense starts with a good defense", let's start playing defense as soon as their born! Let's teach them the keys to being emotional pure, that way we won't have the tragedy of our 16 year old daughter coming to us to tell us she's pregnant! Here's the questions: Are you teaching your children emotional purity? Are they seeing it in your life? If the answer is no, it's never too late to start!!

  

What are they thinking about?

This is part two in our series on purity, and today we would like to talk about mental purity. When it comes to mental purity, it all starts with the eyes. What your children see is a huge factor in what they think about. We always come back to TV and movies, but if they see images there that are provocative or suggestive or sexual, that's what they'll be thinking about. Even the "PG 13" movies have scenes that could corrupt your child's mind, this especially applies to young boys. They already have so many emotions and urges roaming around in there (we know this from personal experience), and when they see certain images, that can send their mind in a tailspin. We read an article that says young boys (depending how mature they are) think about girls every 7 seconds, WOW! If their already thinking about girls that much, what would seeing a provocative image do to their mind? Not only TV and movies but you have to, let us repeat this, YOU HAVE TO MONITOR THEIR INTERNET USE! We don't have to tell you how much garbage is on the Internet, they can type in one wrong word and get more then they bargained for. Do not let your child, especially your young boys, on the Internet without the proper filters or parental controls on your computer! No matter how much you trust your children the temptation is just to overwhelming. Be a parent, it might mean a little more work on your part by monitoring what your children are looking at, or by being "strict", but that's your job! Whether you intended to have children or not, it's your job and your responsibility, not anyone else's! A couple parting thoughts are this:

  Who your child hangs out with, will influence what they look at, putting those garbage images in their mind. If they hang out with that kid who's parents don't monitor what they do, that kid will show your kid things he or she shouldn't be seeing and those things will destroy their mind. They may not see it from you, but they might see it from them.
The second and finally thought is this: Do they look and think about bad things because they see or have seen you do it? Do they know that those are dad's "movies" or that dad likes to look at "that" website? Let us say strongly that no matter how well you think you have hidden things, your kids will find them! Moreover, are you going to be a hypocrite and tell your kids not to look or think about things that you look and think about? Don't be a fool, your kids emulate you and if your doing it, it will only be a matter of time before they do it! Here's the question: What are your kids seeing? Are they seeing it from you or some bad influence in their life? If yes to any of these questions, what are you going to do about it? It's time to act, it's not to late to be the parent your kids need you to be!

Purity- preserving your child's innocence!

We would like to dedicated the next several posts to talk about the subject of purity as it relates to our children. Having said that, the first point we must make is this: in everything that you try to teach your children, you have to lead by example! It should be real obvious that if your telling your child to stay pure but they see you not living up to that standard, what do you think their going to believe? In the end no matter what we say our actions speak volumes above our words! You might think this is to great of a sacrifice, "how can I live without my girlfriend?", "how can I go without watching that movie?", "I just want to get one drink at my favorite bar", these are questions that might be rolling around in your mind, let me ask you a question: is there any sacrifice that's not worth it for your children? Your kids see all these things and make mental notes! We are going to tackle many different aspects of purity, but today we want to focus on the physical aspect of purity. First, and foremost, you have to teach your children about abstinence. Many people nowadays believe that your children can't stay pure until marriage, but that's a false assumption. You have to do everything you can to keep them away from things that will influence them towards impurity. What kind of shows do they watch on TV? The shows nowadays make it seem like physical impurity is a part of everyday life and it's really not. If your read this and think were just full of it, have you given up? If you have older children, did you stop being a parent once your kids turned 18? Keep your children away from those misleading, deceptive shows, but also from misleading, deceptive friends! Do they hang out with that one kid that knows a little to much for their age? What do you think their going to talk to your kid about? Just because their parent has given up or has lost control, doesn't mean you have to, stand up for what's right! If you will allow your kids or will allow to date, don't let them be put into situations where temptation might overwhelm them! You might have to do things a little unconventional and have "dates" at your house in the backyard (lol), you might have to send a younger brother or sister on their "date". It's funny in talking and writing about this how some of these things seem like their from outer space but as near as 30 years ago, this was the norm. How far has our society fallen to the waste side! Teach your children about that boy or girl that will try and push them to do something that they don't want to do. Teach them in that situation no matter what to always say NO! Teach them to run from that person and take them out of their life! Two thoughts we want to leave with you.
1. Tell (and mean it) your children that not matter what, they can talk to you about anything. Tell them that even it's something you won't like, you want them to be able to talk to you. You have to be their "safe zone", and when they talk to you, don't explode, just listen, love (by hugging and kissing, and listening), and if you have to discipline, do it the next day when you can explain to them that you appreciated them talking to you but there are consequences for their actions (and once you've cooled off).
2. Teach them the "why" of what your telling them. When they were babies and you told then not to touch the stove, they did it anyway. If we would tell them not to touch the stove because if they do, they'll have to get their hand amputated, do you still think they would touch the stove? Now in telling them the "why" of what your teaching them, you have to make it age appropriate. You have to cater to the audience, there are things that certain ages aren't ready to learn yet. A wise man once said "when your children start asking you about something is when their ready to learn about it", so true!

We must educate, do everything we can to keep them safe, by preserving their innocence and in the process their purity. Teach them the "why" and you'll get the response that will make them smile from ear to ear when their standing at the altar looking into the eyes of the one they've been waiting for all their lives! THAT'S NOT A ROMANCE NOVEL, IT'S THE REALITY OF THOSE THAT STAY PURE!!!!

Absentee Father



Will and Chaka

This is part four and the last post on our series about absentee parents. I don't know about you, but I've definitely grown and learned quite a few lessons so far. The key being to always be there for your kids NO MATTER WHAT! This last post is brought to you by Chaka, he is a married (7 years of marriage) father of a 9 year old girl, a 4 year old girl, and a 3 year old boy. This is his message: "When I was a kid growing up I never had my father in my life and to this day I have never seen and do not know nothing about him as an individual, role model, confidant or someone to emulate. So you can guess how my childhood went. My mother raised me and my two brothers and sister by herself and welfare checks and food stamps were how we made it through. I am now a 38yr. old father of three children from one woman that I married 7 years ago and I had no clue on how to be a father so man I stressed out and struggled when we had our first child  . Diaper changing was easy, it was the emotional stages of our daughter that threw me off and then came #2 she commanded our attention and I did not divide myself the right way and then 18 months later my little soldier came out and so I focused on him to make him right and in turn neglected our oldest because she was rebelling by having problems in school. Parenting is not easy just imagine trying it with no pre-guidance or instruction from my father then go try to become one!!  What I am saying is this, how can I be any type of father to my children when I have never had one and have so much bitter animosity towards a man I do not know and then turn around and be a good father to my own three by going " on the fly" Other than by the grace of GOD I would not of made it." Brought to you by Chaka

"You never know what you got, until it's gone"

This is part three on our series about absentee parents, and it's my (Kimanzi) turn and I have to confess, I'm a little nervous. My situation is a little different then the first 2 gentleman in our group. I'm a married (12 years of marriage) father of a 11 year old boy, a 9 year old boy and a 8 year old girl. I know about the subject of absentee parents because for a while, I was one of them! We got married young (the day after I turned 18) and had our first child after being married for 1 year, with the second child not to far apart. The first part of marriage was great, everything was the way it was suppose to be, to be fair I should say, I behaved the way I was suppose to, until I turned 21. At that point, in my mind, I felt like I was missing out on life by not doing what other young people my age were doing. So 3 years and 2 kids into marriage I tried to become a single college kid, and I say that meaning all I did was party and drink. I would go out for long periods of non stop partying, not coming home until sometimes 5 am. This obviously affected my marriage and for this time period, I was an absentee parent. I wasn't there for my boys the way a parent should be, to be honest I wasn't even physically there at all. My wife had to learn how to be a single parent, WHAT A SHAME ON MY PART!! It took everything coming crashing down on my head one day to wake me up to the fact that I was loosing my marriage and that I was a absentee parent. I want to take a minute to say how sorry I am to my wife for having to put up with my behavior, I'M SO SORRY HONEY! Next I want to appeal to any parent that might be sliding in this direction, the one point I want to stress about absentee parents is that YOU CAN'T GET THAT TIME BACK. That soccer game I missed, I can't get it back. That school concert where my child had a solo, I lost that moment forever! You can make up for anything else in life, but time is the one thing you can't make up for. If your a Christian, you know the Bible says that our lives are like a vapor, that's how fast it goes. Just the other day we went to a restaurant as a family and the hostess couldn't believe my oldest was actually 11, he looks like he's 14, I just can't believe how fast they grow up. So this post is really for that parent who's thinking the grass is greener on the other side, let me tell you I've been there and that grass you're looking at has dog poop on it! If you're already a absentee parent, look yourself in the mirror and be honest, then do everything in your power to win your family back!

Present but still absent

This is part two of our discussion on absentee parents, we have dedicated several post because it's an issue were seeing to much of in our society. It's also an issue that has affected all of us in the group personally. Today's post is brought to you by David, he is a single father of a 5 year old daughter and this is his message: "The issue of absentee parents really hits home to me too. In fact, I used to be an absentee parent myself. I was 23 when I had my daughter. I wanted a child, but I was not ready for one this soon. My mom is old fashioned so of course she said I needed to marry my girlfriend at the time. Honestly, I strongly considered it but it just never felt right. We stayed together for about 2 years after my daughter was born. We had problems and instead of being a man about the situation, I started cheating and eventually left. I have always been around my daughter and I have always tried to spend time with her. I wasn't spending as much time as I could have been. 3 years ago, Will and I were joking with each other. I don't remember what I said but I know it affected Will's feelings so Will attacked my feelings. He said something about me not spending time with my daughter. Now I could have gotten upset but I love my baby girl with all my heart so that was just the kick I needed. I realized these are the most precious moments of her life. In fact, I read some research that says by the age of 6 a child will develop the character that he/she will have for the rest of their life. If I wanted to have any kind of influence in her life, I needed to really change. I started by spending as much time as I could with her and teaching her discipline and manners. I also changed my lifestyle. I don't swear, drink, or yell at my daughter(I'm human so I do slip up on this part.) My daughter is 5 years old, very intelligent, and strong willed! One thing that I thank God for is how much she looks up to me. I constantly do my best to teach her the right way so she doesn't make the same mistakes I made. This would all be just great if I was the only one involved in her life. Her mother and I have arguments on what's acceptable and whats not. She thinks it's OK to swear in front of and even at her! I know a lot of people think that this doesn't affect kids but I have real live evidence that it does. My daughter knows not to swear in front of me but I will hear her say "what the..." She does not finish the statement but that just shows that it is in the back of her mind! Another big issue to me is the matter of clothing. Her mother buys my daughter name brand clothes and gets upset when they get messed up. SHE'S A CHILD! Kids do not know about name brands nor do they care. Why waste money just to impress other people? Let's be real, when a parent buys their kids name brand clothing they are doing it for themselves. Most want to hear "awe look at her in that outfit." There are others who want their kids to have the finest but don't get upset if it gets messed up. If you really want your child to have the finest, SAVE money for their future. The last thing I will talk about is the matter of discipline. I do my best to keep my daughter from anything that may influence her in the wrong kind of way. My methods may seem extreme at times but do you see our culture? Her mother on the other hand believes that you have to let a child experience things in life whether good or bad. Really? I should just let my daughter walk in the middle of a busy street so she can experience why I won't let her cross the street by herself? When raising a child you have to be proactive, because if you don't influence them, someone else will. If you get nothing else from this post, just remember, it is possible to be an absentee parent and still be present. Just because you buy things or you "go easy" on your child does not make you any better than a fully absentee parent!"

Absentee parents, what are they thinking?

As a group we always discuss issues that come up with our parenting, we talk out specifics, then we share them with you all. While discussing an issue for this post, something happen to one of the member's of our group. From that incident promoted a discussion that goes beyond one blog post, so we will devote the next few post to talk about absentee parents. Seeing how we have this group we thought we could give you several different perspective's of this issue. So to start us off is the member that this personally affected: William. As you might remember he is a 32 year old divorced father of 2 children, and this is his message on the subject: "I have been divorced for 3+ years now and have had my kids that whole time, so the subject of absentee parents hits home for me.  Men usually get the dead beat rap, but it seems that more and more mothers are taking on this roll.  It is very hard, especially on the kids , to deal with having a parent that never comes around, or doesn't act the least bit interested in what their children are involved in.  I need look no further than my own situation to see this.  I've seen a parent that is so consumed with self, that she has even forgotten that she has responsibilities to her children.  This kind of behavior is very hard on the children for many reasons.  Our children start to wonder if there's something wrong with them, or what they did to alienate themselves from the distant party.  It's our job as the responsible party to put our kids first and try to get these dead beats to come around and realize that their roll is vital to the growth of these children.  The pain that they cause these kids is detrimental and can scar for life.  Kids didn't ask to be here, we as the adults made that decision for them.  If you didn't want the responsibility, you shouldn't have done the deed in the first place.  All that our children really want from us, after all, is our time and affection.  These absent parents either don't understand that, or they just don't care.  I've also learned going through this struggle that, as the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  So if you've tried many times to tell a dead beat what they need to hear, and they don't listen, it's on you to make sure your kids have as many positive roll models around them as possible.  The company you keep will help mold your children more than you might know.  Keep your heads up single parents.  I feel your struggle!"

Cartoons, there not what they use to be!

If your a little older, do you remember some of the cartoons we grew up watching? Looking back on it now, there was a a lot of violence in those cartoons. Do you remember how often some character on a cartoon you were watching would get killed, get some part of it's body cut off? Well, the cartoons now a day, put the cartoons we watched to shame. They might not be more violent, but they definitely have a lot more suggestive meanings. I gave a statistic on my other blog (everdayworkingman and woman) that the average American watches 34.5 hours of TV a week. Our question to you is, how many hours would that number increase for our kids? We as a group have talked about how our kids are off of school for the summer, and we'll get home from a hard days work. As soon as we get in the house our kids demand our attention (which they should) and as tired as we are, we find it easier to tell them to go and watch TV. Are you guilty of this? We as a group have made a conscience effort in this last little bit of time to sit down and watch some of these cartoons with our kids, the result's shocked us. The boy/girl implications in these cartoons are to strong for our kids, and yours to! Some would argue that they see this in every day life anyways, our response: Even if they see it everywhere else, your home needs to be their refuge! It needs to be the one safe place in their life that they can go to for purity, for freedom from the rest of the world. Your kids will see and hear things in life that they shouldn't have to, but don't make yourself part of the problem by letting them watch things that try to influence them in the wrong way. It's our job as parents to try and be the solution to everything life trows at them! THIS POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY KIMANZI, WILLIAM, CHAKA, DAVID

Can you be your children's best friend?

As a group, we have thoroughly discussed this, and if you don't read anything else read this: THE ANSWER IS ABSOLUTELY NOT! The first thing you have to realize, is that when you think of a best friend, we didn't say good friend, a best friend is someone you can share everything with. You wouldn't tell your child about mature marital issues, would you? Or even if your not married, would you discuss relationship problems with your child? Some would read this and say yes I would, but the questions is how far would you go? If you would still say yes, there are serious parental issues that you should seek help for. A best friend is someone you can share all these things with and not have to worry about scaring them for life. Next, when you try and act like your child's best friend, you lose your authority with them. They see you as an equal, so when a situation arises that you have to be stern or discipline them for, they see their best friend talking to them and not their parent. Translation, they feel like it's something they can just ignore and not take serious. Your children should look at you as an example, a role model for their life, they also should view you as the hero of their life. When you are their best friend or try to act like one, all of that gets knocked down one peg and you become another one of their buddies. If you are already in this situation, start repairing and reversing that relationship today, if you need help or have questions, feel free to email us. You want to have such a great relationship with your child, that they feel comfortable enough to tell you anything and everything, but you don't want it to cross the line to a place where you lose any healthy fear and respect they have for you!  This post brought to you by Kimanzi, William, Chaka, David

Why Were Here

We are 4 fathers who on a daily basis discuss, help out, talk through and try to give each other helpful advice on raising our army of kids. Kimanzi is a married 30 year old father of an 11 year old boy, a 9 year old boy, and a 8 year old girl. William is a 32 year old recently divorced father of an 10 year old girl, and a 8 year old boy. David is a 27 year old single father of a 5 year old girl. Chaka is a married 38 year old father of an 9 year old girl, a 4 year old girl, and a 3 year old boy. Maybe it's all in our heads and we have no clue what were talking about, but we will still strive to give any helpful tips and wisdom we've picked up along the way! Our goal for this blog is also to get as many parents involved with the goal of all of us helping each other out in any way we can. Spread the word to every parent you know and tell them to join us! Parenting is under attack everywhere you look, it's up to strong parents to take back our kids!